What it Means to Have a Conscious Conversation

I’ve never been one for small talk. I don’t engage in gossip. And I’ve never been a fan of people finger-pointing. Does that make me a saint? No, it doesn’t. But as a writer and a human being who values integrity, connection and meaningful conversation, clear and effective communication (with a healthy dose of inquisitiveness) forms an integral part of my life.

At the very least, I like to express my authentic self — which can cover thought-provoking and wide-ranging subject matter — along with respect and consideration for those I am speaking with. With that in mind, we are all unique, including how we express ourselves. For instance, some are quietly spoken, others are more vivacious, and then there are those who dominate.

Even before we speak, our thoughts can create universal and/or energetic interactions. That’s why I believe our thoughts, words and actions need to be in alignment with one another, especially if we are to communicate in a conscious manner.

Fortunately, conscious communication is something that can be learnt, acquired or improved upon — ALWAYS.

But having a conscious conversation isn’t something that everyone necessarily understands. For starters, it’s not about being opinionless, being right or wrong, or appeasing others. Nor is it about talking over the top of people, telling them what to do, or only half listening to them while thinking about what you want to say.

A conscious conversation is:

1. Being present.

2. Taking the time to listen fully while another speaks, not interrupting them. A good way to ensure this happens with a face-to-face meeting, particularly a group, is to use a talking stick or a talking feather. While using a talking stick or talking feather is an ancient custom for many indigenous people, it’s remarkable how well it works (and is needed) in our loud modern world.

3. Honouring each other’s input, hence value as a human being, as well as respecting the various opinions. It could even mean agreeing to disagree.

4. Getting to the heart of the matter so there is understanding and honest expression from all involved, without being resistant or argumentative.

5. Keeping an open mind, not making assumptions and being agenda-free. Invariably, you will learn something new through another’s experience or awareness. It’s sharing in a beneficial way.

6. Asking questions at an appropriate time (which can be determined from the outset of the discussion as to when that occurs), whether it be for clarification or to deepen insights.

7. Pausing before speaking and/or allowing sufficient time between questions and answers. For example, I have a friend who is highly intelligent and a deep thinker, and I often find that if we are having a conversation, I need to allow a minimum 30-second pause between their response and my next question. While it might seem like a long time to some, it teaches you to be more patient and allows the conversation to evolve more organically.

8. Taking responsibility for yourself, whether it be how you are feeling, or if your decisions or involvement led to outcomes that require a solution.

Of course, depending on your emotions on any given day, let alone what you might be dealing with in other areas of life, they can, if you let them, get the better of you, hence influence what or how things are said. For instance, you might become defensive or angry. That said, I believe anger is okay, providing it’s expressed in a conscious way, which means that it’s not directly attacking or threatening someone. Again, it’s having the ability to accept your feelings, and expressing anger is a subject in its own right.

But if someone does launch a verbal attack, it either sees people running for cover or retaliate even harder, only inflaming the situation. The conversation becomes reactive rather than responsive.

You only have to look at politics, especially Australian, to see how people get caught up in a slanging match, rather than focus on the actual issue, ask pertinent questions and discuss a possible solution. And while politicians are often criticised for avoiding questions, particularly difficult ones, imagine if they responded with, “I don’t have the answer, but I would love to explore this further.” How refreshing and honest would that be?

Although I surround myself with more consciously aware people, recently I, as well as some others around me, have been on the receiving end of a verbal and/or emotional attack. While those who are doing the attacking might be feeling hurt and disappointed by the actions, feelings or decisions of another, they’re also being demeaning, forceful and disrespectful.

I see their reactions for what they are. I also value my self-worth, and I let them know that. In fact, my initial response to them was saying, as calmly as possible, that I didn’t appreciate the way they spoke to me, and why.

After all, longwinded emotional downloads, pointing out where the other is wrong or name calling isn’t owning your stuff, plain and simple.

At the same time, how many of us say we would like to see more harmony and unity in the world? Yet there are so many judgements we make about ourselves and towards others, especially when things annoy us or don’t seem to go our way.

Everyone has a right to be seen and heard. So when it comes to conscious conversations, not only do we need to think before and while speak, we need to listen, and we need to be present.

Our words reveal what we feel about ourselves and can impact others, too. They can create connection or separation.